The Unexpected Nuptials
by storyfyingmaj
Summary: Hardison, Parker, & Eliot arrange for Sophie & Nate to have some professional help.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

As a marriage counselor, Catherine Barker had seen and spoken with some of the most interesting men and women who had ever happened upon the bright and perilous idea of matrimony. Everyone had problems - God, _Catherine_ had problems - and the diversity of conflicts that waltzed through her tall, oaken doors was _ever _interesting. Cheating husbands, chaste wives, murderous desires, financial issues, food allergies, troublesome children, interesting fetishes, meddling in-laws - oh, life _never_ got boring for Catherine.

She eyed the couple sitting in front of her, _Yes... Things were_ always _interesting in this job..._

Marcus and Caroline Gage seemed to be one of the typical couples: long-term relationship, rocky courtship, stubborn personalities - two complete opposites tragically attracted to each other. Catherine was sure there was a long history behind the two but was frankly surprised that they were even involved. Mr. Gage seemed considerably older than his wife with his messy curls and deeply set wrinkles. Though he wore a well-put together suit, the barely sober disposition he was in made him seem ruffled in all aspects and his tired, watering blue eyes made Catherine purse her lips disapprovingly. Mrs. Gage, on the other hand, had a very sharp appearance, her coral colored dress cut perfectly to her figure and accented with a stylish white jacket. The woman's dark hair was in free but not unruly waves that cascaded down one shoulder. Her makeup was set perfectly, her fingers manicured with her toes similarly pedicured, and her jewelry was polished and clean. Image-wise the two seemed too unfit for each other and the first half-hour had already proven Catherine's preliminary assessment that their personalities were just as contrasting.

_Yes, _Catherine's gaze jumped from the female to the male and back, _Even these sorts of light, nitpicky problems were fascinating._

"I still can't _believe_ that you _still_ think that we've been together for two _less_ years than we have," Caroline muttered, crossing her arms firmly as she distinctly turned her body away from her husband's.

"Oh come on," Marcus responded exasperatedly, scratching his temple. "It was a slip of the tongue - a mistake - I _know_ we've been married for twe-_fourteen_ years."

Catherine raised a brow at his sputtering, jotting down a note, _Husband - insensitive._

"You know how I am, Soph-_Caroline_," he continued, leaning towards his wife's armchair. "All that alcohol must be affecting my brain."

Catherine jotted down another note with a frown, _Husband - possibly having affair. Continues to make mistake with name when flustered._

Caroline inched away from the side next to her husband, glaring as she acidly retorted, "Oh yes - bring up the _bloody _drink when it suits your ends. It's _such_ a _fantastic_ thing for you to be a functioning alcoholic!"

"Thank you for adding 'functioning,'" he remarked, relaxing back into his chair.

"Oh!" she let out exasperatedly, sharply turning her head away again.

"Er," Catherine cleared her throat. The couple turned their gazes toward her. She offered a polite smile, "How about we have our one-on-one sessions? I feel that would be much more conducive to the both of you."

The husband slapped his hands upon the armrests, spiritedly getting to his feet. He gave a toothy grin and clasped his hands together, looking at the two women, "I'll let you guys get to it then!"

Caroline rolled her eyes as she glanced up at her husband before looking off to the side again.

Catherine eyed the wife's profile for a moment before meeting Marcus's over-eager grin, "I was actually thinking that I should start with you."

"Oh."

"Hm," Caroline sniffed, getting to her feet. She clutched her purse with one hand as she flipped out her phone with the other striding towards the doors.

Catherine smiled encouragingly, keeping her eyes on Marcus who sheepishly returned to his chair.

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Sophie stormed out of the room and into the empty waiting room. She snapped her phone to her ear as she gave a fierce glare to the security camera in one corner of the room.

"I cannot _believe_ you, Hardison!" she hissed into the comm.

"_Yeah, well, you two should have been more discreet about your troubles in paradise,_" Eliot growled.

"Oh!" she gasped, pursing her lips fastidiously, "You're on _his_ side?"

"_You know - _like I said last night - _it was actually _our - _as in _the team's - _idea,_" Hardison said defensively. He sniffed, "_I just stole you the actual appointment."_

"'The team?' _'The team?'_" Sophie sputtered, practically hopping in her annoyance. "_I'm_ a part of the team!"

The very audible sound of crunching filtered over the comms. "_You two were acting weirder than usual,_" Parker said loudly around a mouthful of food. "_I told Hardison that you and Nate needed help._"

"_Parker_?" Sophie's draw dropped, "This was _your_ idea?"

"Our _idea! _Ow-eur _idea!_" Hardison said agitatedly.

Eliot snorted, "_Well, whatever - you're there now. Just deal. Take one for the team._" He trailed off and a quiet snicker could just barely be heard, "_It sounds like you two are having a fantastic time anyway._"

"Oo, I will get you for that, Eliot," Sophie muttered, narrowing her eyes.

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Nate uncomfortably shifted in his seat, watching the smart-looking woman sift through her notepad. For a series of notes she had taken over just the first 30 minutes, there were a considerable number of pages. Nate realized uncomfortably that most of the notes were about him, judging by the messy, upside down letters that read "husband" most of the time.

He pursed his lips, thinking back to the previous evening...

_"You did _what_?" Nate glowered. _

_Sophie just stared, slack-jawed, at the hitter, thief, and hacker who stood at the other side of the table._

_Hardison winced slightly, pushing over fake documents, "Here. Your driver's licenses."_

_Sophie quickly took up the one for her and glanced over at Nate who sat next to her. Nate continued his dark glare, crossing his arms firmly across his chest as he leaned back in his chair. "_Hardison,_" he rumbled. _

_"Look," Hardison pursed his lips, gesturing at the couple with a long finger, "Y'all have got some funny business to sort out and it _needs_ to be sorted."_

_Nate flashed his eyes angrily from Hardison to Eliot to Parker then back to Eliot, "Was this _your_ idea?"_

_Eliot just rolled his eyes, "Come on, Nate - this is good for all of us."_

_"Yeah!" Parker gave a firm nod, crossing her own arms. _

_"Okay," Sophie finally spoke, raising her head wearily, "_Yes, _Nate and I have some issues to sort out - "_

_" - we do?" Nate raised a brow at her confusedly._

_Sophie shot him an awfully dirty look before rolling her eyes at the rest of the crew, jabbing a hand in his direction, "Yep - there's proof. _Yes - _we have issues. _But_!" She waved a finger at the series of monitors behind the standing three, displaying the picture and extensive track record of Catherine Baker, "We don't need to see a _marriage counselor_! We're not even _married_!"_

_"Yeah," Nate said gruffly, "We're just dating and couples fight - "_

_" - oh no, no, no," Sophie rounded on him with a frown, "We are _not_ dating - we're just - just - "_

_" - er, complicated?" Parker offered, scratching her neck._

_"Yes - thank you, Parker," Sophie glanced over at her with a nod, before returning her hard gaze on nate, "We're just _complicated._"_

_"See!" Hardison interjected, "Going to see Dr. Barker will be _good_ for you two _and_ for us!"_

_"Just go see the damn therapist, alright?" Eliot barked with a grimace, "Your appointment's at 9 - "_

" - Mr. Gage?"

Nate blinked, looking up at Catherine Barker, "Er - yes?"

"I asked you how you would characterize your position in the relationship," she said plainly.

"Oh." _Goddamnit, Hardison..._

* * *

**N.B. **This was originally meant to be a oneshot but it ended up being longer than I expected so I split it up into chapters.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Unexpected Nuptials**

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Hardison slapped away Eliot's hand, furiously glaring at the Hitter's fingers scrabbling on the controls.

"What?" Eliot hissed, grimacing. "Can't I look?"

"Look but don't touch!" Hardison snapped back, agitatedly recalibrating some minute changes Eliot's tampering had made.

Eliot rolled his eyes, turning away. His eyes landed on Parker who sat at the kitchen table with a large box of donuts set before her. She had already eaten two chocolate glazed ones, some traces of dark brown icing melting upon her upper lip, and was now eyeing the rest of the dozen with intense concentration in her face. It took her a moment to decide upon a large powdered jelly donut. She took it up with two hands, grinning rather maniacally at it.

"So," Eliot coughed, discreetly lowering his tone, as he returned his gaze towards the hacker.

Hardison looked up, raising a brow at the muscled man, "What?"

The hitter moved around the counter, stepping directly in front of the tall man and crossing his arms. After glancing in the blonde thief's direction, he pointedly stared into Hardison's eyes, "What about you?"

"What _about_ me?" the hacker furrowed his brow suspiciously.

Eliot once again glanced in Parker's direction - the pretty thief had annhilated the jelly doughnut, white traces of her kill all around her mouth - and waited until Hardison turned to look in the same direction as the hitter.

Hardison swiftly turned around, fixing his widening eyes on Eliot and shaking a firm finger, "Nuh-_uh_ - ! This ain't about me _or_ Parker - "

" - _yes, Hardison,_" Sophie's smug tone came over the comms, "_What about _you_?_" Hardison irritably looked towards the large displays, meeting Sophie's primly raised brow aimed at the security cameras.

"What was it that you said last night?" Eliot tapped his chin, pursing his lips thoughtfully, "'You all have some funny business to sort out and it needs to be sorted,' was it?"

" - _I _absolutely_ agree,_" Sophie added enthusiastically.

Hardison frowned deeply, pointing a long finger in the direction of the screen, "You don't get a say in this, Sophie!"

The grifter gave a disgruntled snort, rolling her eyes away from the camera.

"Well," Eliot lowered his arms, leaning forward and forcefully placing his palms on the countertop. He smirked slightly, giving a wag of his eyebrows at Hardison, "What have you got to say?"

"I think ya'll ought to mind your own business," the hacker snapped grumpily.

"_Same could be said of you lot,_" Sophie muttered.

Hardison jerked upright in surprise as Parker skipped over and slapped a hand on his back, smearing a trace of white powder into his navy blue shirt. "Something happen?" she asked, jamming her comm back into her ear with her free hand, as she hopped into the seat next to the hacker.

"_Hardison was just telling us how he is an exceptional poker player,_" Sophie offered readily.

Parker gave a loud burst of laughter, "_This_ guy?" She slapped an arm about Hardison's shoulders, giving the man a hearty shove, "He's terrible at cards!"

"Thanks, Parker," Hardison replied dryly, looking over at her with a wrinkle of his nose.

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"Uh," Nate raised a finger, letting out a light trill of nervous laughter, "_No._"

"I thought you were being open to other opinions, Mr. Gage," Catherine Barker raised a brow, primly clasping her hands over the clipboard balancing upon her nylon-covered knees.

He eagerly leaned forward, shaking his hands in violent dissent, "Not when you're _supposing _every minute detail about my life with – "

" – then why so touchy?" the exasperating woman raised her brow again, her lips lifting in a small, satisfied grin, "Perhaps I've touched a nerve?"

"'A nerve?'" Nate snorted, abruptly leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms, "Don't be ridiculous."

"Come, come, Mr. Gage," Barker soothed, leaning back herself, "_I _am not the enemy here."

"Then who is?" he shot back.

"_You_," she let out simply.

_Or Hardison._ Nate frowned inwardly, resisting the urge to rush out of the room muttering and cursing like a madman.

…particularly when he heard the, now, _infuriating_ woman's next words.

Catherine completely set aside her clipboard, crossing her arms, as she expressionlessly continued, "Considering how antagonistic you're being, I don't even need to meet with your wife to realize just how much of a problem you are."

_Ouch. _He pursed his lips. _Another one._

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"Can we please, please, please, please check on Nate?" Parker whined, fumbling for Hardison's controller. The tall man merely raised his arm, sweeping the implement out of her reach.

"_No_," he replied with a tired edge to his patient tone, "We all agreed we wouldn't listen in on the sessions themselves."

"_Yes, Parker,_" Sophie sniffed, arching her brow at the camera, "_It's a bit demeaning._"

"More for _him _than for you, Sophie," Eliot grunted, ducking as Parker's arm flailed dangerously close to his head.

"_Hm, _true_,_" the sullen grifter replied airily, inspecting her nails.

"But we're missing all the good parts!" Parker pouted, huffily tightening her arms across her chest.

Hardison gave a sympathetic shrug, "Well, you'll just have to deal."

"_Don't worry, Parker,_" Sophie commented, a fair warning in her wry tone, "_I'm _sure_ you'll get a show when Nate and I get back to the apartment._"

"Oh," the thief blinked, puckering her lips.

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Catherine was quite convinced that there was no way to get past this stubborn man.

_Except perhaps brute force_, she eyed Mr. Gage as he muttered something under his breath. _I _did _set aside my clipboard after all._

However, at this point, Catherine was unsure whether she wanted to get through to him or if she merely wanted to make some sort of an impression – she found herself feeling rather offended _for_ Mrs. Gage due to Mr. Gage's unaffected indifference and insincere contrition. She wondered how the poor woman had dealt with such an annoyance for so long.

_Though… _She had to give him the benefit of the doubt – it did seem that today was one of his worse days.

_Perhaps he isn't so bad. _She was mortified to find herself having such jaundiced thoughts about her client, _especially_ having known the man for so short a time.

_Though it does seem as if Mr. Gage is trying to be a terrible person on purpose__…_

Catherine gave an inward sigh, exasperated to no end.


End file.
